You're A SIN

Tumblr

I think it may be time I return to Tumblr. Perhaps documenting my life publicly on the internet will lead me to some sort of sanity. The past months have been nothing but a blur. I am just the shell of my former self. Within the last 2 months I have moved out of my house, lost the love of my life, lost my father, and attended rehab which seemed to have saved my life (according to statistics) In my last post, which was in September, I wrote of how I didn’t crave one drug in particular. Well that sure has changed, hello heroin. Never did I think you’d run my life the way you have. My only thought, my only want, is you my sweet love. You hurt, you hurt so good. My “clean date” is January 4th, but in reality I have relapsed time and time again. Its a constant cycle. I use until some tragic event occurs and I clean my life up for about 5 days, until the pain of what had happened has passed, until I have been able to block it out, put in the  I have lost everything, and nearly everyone yet I still insist of having my love affair with the one thing that has lead me into nothing but turmoil. Jail, Death and Institutions are the only places users end up, or so I am told. Even tho I have seen this proved time and time again, I insist on trying to believe I can be a functioning Heroin addict. Or maybe I cant, but I am perfectly ok with that. That cant be normal can it? what has happened to me, a few months ago I was in a well functioning relationship, preparing for college next year and my life with a perfect man. What has happened? I almost had the white picket fence, that ever girl dreams of. I was going to have that wealthy perfect humble and traditional life. I think the fact that I almost had that, repulsed and scared me, which might be why I developed a heroin addiction. I crave to be that rebel without a cause. I crave that feeling of doing something wrong, fuck you authority.

who da fuck am i

wow

WOW. I just spent the last hour reviewing my tumblr. wow has my life been a series of ups and downs. So much has changed since tumblr was a source of escape for me, i’m wondering if i should reinvest some time in it. my writing truly shocks me when i read how emotionally damaged i seem to be. My state of mind scares me occasionally, and my constant dependance on drugs. As I am soon to be 18, i look back on the past years of my childhood and I am amazed by what i have been thru. A series of unfortunate events have lead me to the person i am today, not perfect, but for once i can say that i do not feel like a bottomless pit. I still turn to drugs for that numbing sensation i seem to constantly crave. My addiction is unlike anyone else i have encounter, and i have encounter a hell of alot of people, 6 high schools, not to mention all the other fuckups i have encountered along the way. My addiction is unique. I don’t seem to crave one drug in partically, more just the feeling, when my body goes numb and everything seems to fade away. I’v notice my tolerance to just about everything has reached an all time high, i can’t remember the last time i was truly numb, uneffected by the world around me. My nagging thoughts seem to constantly be on my mind, like a bad tattoo, i can’t seem to shake them. I constantly feel inadequate to the preppy girls I am surround by. If only they knew my past, thatd look at me with disguist. I look at me with disgust. I feel used up. How can that be when I am only 18? I have lived more then more 30 year olds I know. The drugs, parties and endless nights of tears, to many to count. I seem to have been able to recover some sanity, and finally been able to put the bottle down, but i now turn to other drugs to relieve me of my pain. Alcohol and weed no longer does it, pills and coke seem to be the only cure to my disease. In recents months i have discovered my favorite drug of all time, but it comes in the form i was not expecting. A boy, a sober, well groomed, wealthy, boy from short hills. How could i guy like him possible end up with a girl like me? who knows but it seems to have happened. I am actually in a somewhat well functioning relationship. I admit i have my secrets, but for once I think i found a reasonably acceptable guy, no tattoos, no heroin addiction, and i am ok with it. I admit the relationship has been a bit more boring then my past loves, but I am strangely comfortable with the peace. I still feel that sanity is a ways away but I feel I am on the path to discovering the person I could be. Perhaps I will be able to look in the mirror, and not be ashamed with the person looking back at me. One day…